|Deadpool (3rd Series) #22|| || |
Issue Date: June 2010
Story Title: Do Idiots Dream Of Electric Stupidity
Staff: Daniel Way (Writer), Tan Eng Huat (Art), Marte Gracia (Colors), VC’s Joe Sabino (Letters), Jason Pearson (Cover), Jody Leheup (Assistant Editor), Axel Alonso (Editor), Joe Quesada (Editor-in-chief), Dan Buckley (Publisher), Alan Fine (Executive Producer)
Deadpool is asleep on a bus as it travels through north Georgia at nighttime. The bus suddenly screeches to a halt and an armed robber gets on board and attempts to rob the passengers. Deadpool quickly takes him out and throws him off the bus to an accomplice waiting outside. Deadpool confronts the second robber and notices a third in a nearby truck. As the third robber gets out the truck, he reveals himself to be wearing car-batteries around his chest. He calls himself White Lightning and then proceeds to electrocute Deadpool until he falls unconscious. Sometime later, Deadpool wakes up and, when a police radio is found nearby, he realizes the robbers were policemen. The next morning, he goes to the local sheriff’s office and locks up the deputy in the cells. Deadpool puts on a sheriff uniform and tells another female deputy that he is the new sheriff in town. After talking to Deadpool, the woman realizes that he was robbed on the tour bus and she admit that the sheriff and his deputies have been robbing people. She then asks Deadpool to kill them to help clean up the county. Deadpool is torn by this proposal but eventually agrees to help. He goes to the sheriff’s secret moonshine still and takes out White Lightning, who is also there. The whole area is suddenly lit up by helicopters and agents from the Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms Department, who arrest all the men present. The sheriff claims that it is the female deputy who is the mastermind behind the robberies. They all go back to the sheriff’s office to find the female deputy locked up in the cells. The other deputy confesses that she was behind everything and that she tried to get Deadpool to kill them to keep them quiet, but Deadpool didn’t believe her and locked her up. The arresting agents realize who Deadpool is and release him rather than risk fighting him.
Deadpool is standing on the side of a rocky mountain, dressed in Asgardian clothing over the top of his costume. The wind and snow howl around him and flashes of lightning light up the dark sky. He points forward towards someone and says he is about to tell them two things they really need to hear. As Thor towers before him, Deadpool tells him his helmet is dumb.
Thor tells him it’s a matter of opinion and then asks what his second observation is. Pointing to his head, Deadpool tells him he has pretty, pretty girl hair. He goes on and says that Thor really thinks he’s something with his classic Nordic beauty and Avengers membership card. He then tells him he is no better than he. Thor replies that he is a god but Deadpool just calls him a doofus. An angry Thor raises his hammer above his head as if to swing it down on Deadpool and says he is working with Mjolnir… what is he working with? Thor suddenly stops with an alarmed look on his face as Deadpool pulls out a gigantic sword from somewhere.
(Somewhere in rural north Georgia)
Deadpool, dressed in his costume, is fast asleep on the seat of a bus. In his sleep, he mutters that he is about to get his smite on. Suddenly, the bus screeches to a halt which sends Deadpool head-first into the seat in front of him, waking him up. The bus has come to a stop because of a car and truck blocking the road. The bus driver turns to his passengers and tells them he thinks they are being robbed.
Two men wearing balaclavas and armed with guns get out of the car and walk towards the bus. As one of the robbers boards the bus, the driver and passengers raise their hands in the air. The robber, wearing a yellow hoodie, tells them that he has a gun and that this is officially a hold-up. If they give it up smooth, there won’t be a problem, just don’t do anything stupid. Deadpool, however, has now disappeared from his seat.
With a gun in one hand, the robber walks down the aisle of the bus and gets the passengers to put their valuables in a duffle bag. One man asks is he wants his watch. The robber replies, in a southern accent, that the man rides a bus, so he ain’t got no watch he wants. As the robber gets to the back of the bus, he notices the toilet is occupied. The man approaches the door and says “knock, knock.”
Outside the bus, the other robber, who is wearing a white shirt, stands shivering in the rain. He mutters to himself what’s taking his partner so long. The other robber suddenly flies head-first off the bus and lands face down on the asphalt. As the second robber looks at his unconscious partner, Deadpool’s voice comes from behind him and tells him he had to wash his hands, as hygiene is very important to him.
Deadpool walks up to the second robber and points towards the truck in front of the bus. He tells the robber to get his other partner in crime to come out of the truck. When the robber asks what for, Deadpool replies it’s so that he can multi-smite. The robber tells him he doesn’t know what that means but he does know that he’s the one with the gun. With that, he points his gun at Deadpool’s chest.
Quick as a flash, Deadpool takes the gun out of his hand to the amazement of the robber. He points the gun at the robber and tells him to get his partner out of the truck. The robber yells towards the truck for Lightning to come out. The door of the truck opens and a man steps out. As his huge boot hits the wet tarmac a little crack of lightning comes off it. The robber turns towards Deadpool and with a malicious grin on his face tells him he asked for it. A little dumbstruck, Deadpool looks towards the advancing man and asks what the hell he is. The bearded man, dressed in dungarees and a baseball cap, introduces himself as White Lightning. Around his waist are five car batteries that are hooked up to gauntlets on either wrist.
Deadpool stares at him for a few seconds and then collapses on the floor in a fit of laughter. His laughter is cut short though as White Lightning blasts Deadpool with a bolt of lightning, sending him flying backwards. As Deadpool lies on his back with smoke coming off him, one of the men says that he ain’t laughing now. Deadpool then slips into unconsciousness.
As Deadpool comes around on the road, he hears a voice yelling out. The voice belongs to a man who is kneeling on the roof of the bus. Holding his mobile phone, he yells down to some of the other passengers and tells them he has a signal. A voice comes over the phone and asks what the emergency is.
Deadpool walks up to the crowd and asks the bus driver where the man who shocked him went. Ignoring his question, the man exclaims with surprise that Deadpool is alive. One of Deadpool’s inner voices chirps up and says for once it would be nice if someone said “Thank God you’re alive.”
The bus driver suddenly spins around and asks if he heard that. As Deadpool asks what, the man crouches down and peers into the grass. He uncovers a walkie-talkie. A voice comes from it and says that they got a call from some folks stranded on the highway saying that they have been robbed. The voice then asks if Sheriff Dale is out there. The man picks up the walkie-talkie and asks where it came from. Deadpool tells him that cops must have dropped it. The man turns to Deadpool and asks what cops, to which Deadpool tells him the cops that robbed them.
When the bus driver exclaims with surprise at them being cops Deadpool cracks his knuckles and tells the man to get his bag. The driver ignores him and starts to say he is sure they weren’t cops. But Deadpool turns to him and sternly repeats his order to get his bag. The man stops talking and does what Deadpool says. He opens the hatch at the side of the bus that contains everyone’s luggage and asks which bag belongs to Deadpool. Deadpool calmly tells him it’s the one with all the guns in it.
(The next morning)
Deadpool walks into the Mason County Sheriff’s Department without his costume and carrying a big duffle bag. He tells one of the deputies, who is sitting at a desk, that he is here to see Sheriff Dale. The deputy tells him he isn’t there, then in his southern accent asks what happened to him… was he in some kind of accident? Deadpool coolly replies that it was something like that and immediately reiterates he wants to see Sheriff Dale.
The officer repeats himself and tells Deadpool he isn’t there. When Deadpool asks where he, is the man tells him that he is on patrol. Deadpool asks what’s taking him so dang long. With that the deputy leans back in his chair and crosses his arms and repeats Deadpool’s question but with his own southern twang. Deadpool recognizes the man’s unique accent as coming from one of the men from the previous night. With that he takes out his mask and holds it in front of the man and asks if he remembers his. The startled man almost falls off his chair with shock.
A little while later, a blonde, female officer walks into the Sheriff’s Department and hangs up her coat on a hook on the wall. She shouts out and apologizes for being late, as she had to wait for the babysitter but she was monitoring the radio. Deadpool shouts back to her and tells her not to worry and then says that there’s one more thing… there’s a new sheriff in town.
The woman looks over her shoulder at Deadpool, who is now dressed in a sheriff’s uniform over his costume. When she asks where the old one is, the voices in Deadpool’s head comment that she seems to be taking it quite well, plus she’s smoking hot. Deadpool replies and says he was going to ask her the same thing right after he got her name… and her digits! With that, he makes a phone gesture with his hand.
She smiles and approaches Deadpool and tells him her name isn’t any of his business. She then tells him if he wants Sheriff Dale then his best bet would be to find him at his still. Deadpool asks what that is and the woman, approaching her desk, tells him it’s his moonshine still. A surprised Deadpool asks if people still make moonshine and the woman tells him that Sheriff Dale does but he can get away with it because he’s the sheriff. Deadpool says that he seems to get away with a lot of stuff. The woman, without looking up from her desk, says that he has himself a gang and everything and they rob gas stations and title loan shops. Deadpool interrupts and adds tour buses to the list.
The woman suddenly twigs what Deadpool is after and realizes he was on the tour bus that they robbed and now he wants revenge. Deadpool tells her he isn’t after revenge… he’s after justice. With that, he leans forward and points to the badge on the uniform.
The woman leans back in her chair and tells him to hell with that; he needs to kill them boys. Deadpool is shocked but the woman carries on and asks where Charlie is and then asks Deadpool if he shot him. He assumes the deputy is Charlie, which the woman confirms. He then tells her that Charlie isn’t dead, much to her disappointment. Instead, Charlie is sitting in one of the cells in the jail section of the department.
The exasperated woman leans back in her chair and tells Deadpool he has no idea how long she has been waiting for someone to show up and set things right in the county. But now he’s here and he ain’t nothing but a li’l sissy. A stunned Deadpool leans forward and starts to ask what she wants him to do. But before he can finish, she interrupts him and with a big grin on her face tells him to blow the sum-bitches away. Deadpool asks where she has been all his life. But then he reels back and turns away and says he can’t do it as it wouldn’t be heroic. She tells him it may not be heroic but it’s what needs doing.
She stand up and approaches him and tells him if the boys get arrested then it will just make the whole county look like nothing but a bunch of backward hillbillies. She says that, believe it or not, the people of the county have pride in where they come from and the last thing they want if for the rest of the county to think they are no different from the guys off “Dukes o’ Hazzard.”
Deadpool starts to say that if he kills them… but the woman interrupts and says that no one will give a damn, except her. The two stare at each other for a few second and then Deadpool gives in and asks if he was down at the still. The woman starts smiling again but warns him that Sheriff Dale won’t be alone; his nephew will be there for sure. When Deadpool enquires about the nephew, the woman tells him his name is Clovis Maines but most folks call him White Lightning.
At the moonshine still, Sheriff Dale is squatting behind a bunch of barrels with a pair of binoculars. He yells to Clovis, who is further back in the shed. The burly man, with the car batteries still strapped to his chest, walks up to him and asks what he is hollering him for. Peering through his binoculars at a car driving down a dark road he tells Clovis that they have an interloper. He turns to Clovis and asks if he wants to give the old boy a couple of hundred volts of north Georgia whoop-ass. Crackling with electricity and wearing a sinister grin on his face Clovis says it sounds like a real nice time.
The woman in the sheriff’s office tells Deadpool that nobody knows for sure how it came about but the legend goes that Clovis was building his moonshine still one night and coiling up copper wire during a lightning storm. Deadpool says that he got the impression that he wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. He then guesses that Clovis was hit by a bolt of lightning and when he woke up... the woman pipes in at this point and continues the story saying that he had become a genuine human superconductor. Deadpool then asks about the batteries strapped to his chest. The woman tells him that they are just that, batteries. He can channel the electricity but he cannot hold it.
Back in the woods, the car drives down the dark road but it is suddenly blasted by a surge of electricity coming from White Lightning. He then starts to run down the wooded hillside towards the car but he doesn’t spot Deadpool lurking in the shadows with a gun. The batteries are suddenly burst open by a direct gunshot, causing battery acid to spray all over the man. He screams in pain as it burns his eyes and then starts to strip his clothes off as they start to itch. He yells to his uncle and tells him getting naked is his only hope. Sheriff Dale, who is a little way away, yells back to quite hollering like a hog. But White Lightning is rolling in the dirt and yelling about how much it burns. Watching the scene, Deadpool is also rolling on the floor but it is with laughter instead of pain. He asks if this can get anymore $*%& up and with that one of his inner voices invites him to find out.
The whole area is suddenly lit by a spotlight from a helicopter. Armed federal agents spring from the surrounding bushes and trees. A loud voice booms out across the clearing and says they are from the Georgia Department of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. It then says they are all under arrest and demands they lay throw down their weapons and lay down on the ground.
As they lie on the floor with their hands on their heads, Sheriff Dale asks Deadpool if he is from the revenuers. When Deadpool asks what that is, a man walks up to them and tells them he means them and no he isn’t. The man then tells Dale that he was sold out by one of his own. Dale turns to the man and asks who it was.
Deadpool leans closer to the female office at the sheriff’s office and says that, before he does all this, he wants to know her name. She tells him it’s…
The arresting agent tells Dale that it was Darlene. As the sheriff is lead away in handcuffs towards a waiting police van, he tells them that Darlene was the brains of the whole operation. The agent doesn’t believe him, so the sheriff tells the man to look at him and Clovis and then asks if he thinks they have the brains to run and operation this size. The agent replies that he was running the still and that’s enough for them. The sheriff continues and says that he didn’t mean the still, he meant the county-wide robbery ring they have going.
Another of the agents walks up to the arresting agent and calls him Agent Duluth. He then opens a bag he found that contains the belongings from the passengers of the recent bus robbery. Agent Duluth tells him to leave it alone and to let the F.B.I. deal with it when they show up. Clovis turns to his uncle and says he reckons that Darlene set them up, to which Dale spits a sarcastic response at him. As Deadpool is also led away in handcuffs, his inner voices comment that she also set them up… or at least she tried to. Deadpool tells agent Duluth that the men are telling the truth… just ask Charlie.
Back at the Sheriff’s office, Deadpool, Dale and Clovis are standing in front of the police cells, surrounded by the ATF agents. Deputy Charlie and Darlene are both in the cells. Charlie tells the agents that it was all Darlene, that she told them when the buses would come through and when the title loan shops would be receiving their money. Darlene angrily tells him to shut up but he continues. Charlie says that she tried to make Deadpool kill them so that there wouldn’t be any evidence but Deadpool didn’t believe her one bit.
Deadpool asks Darlene for one more thing before he goes. When she asks what it is, he points a gun under her chin and says he is going to need to make a phone call.
Charlie points to Deadpool and tells the men that he is a hero. Agent Duluth turns to Deadpool and hold out a file with Deadpool’s picture on it. He then says the document says otherwise. Deadpool asks if he has read the folder, to which the man replies yes. He then says that means he knows who he is. Agent Duluth replies yes again. Deadpool then says that means he knows what will happen if he tries to…A loud click sound is suddenly heard. Agent Duluth undoes his handcuffs and tells him to get. As the agents put Darlene and Charlie in handcuffs, Deadpool walks out of the sheriff’s office and down the street, singing happily to himself.
Sheriff Dale, Deputy Charlie, Darlene (all officers of the Mason County Sheriff’s Department)
White Lightning/Clovis Maines
Unnamed officers from the Georgia Department of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms
Passengers on bus
(In Deadpool’s Dream)
Dukes of Hazzard is a TV show from the early 1980’s that depicts the adventures of two men in Hazard County, located in rural Georgia.
“Just a good ol’ boy… never meanin’ no harm… beats all you ever saw, been in trouble with the law since the day he was born” are lyrics from the Dukes of Hazzard theme tune.
White Lightning is also the name of a brand of very cheap cider produced in the UK.
The department of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms has actually been called Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms & Explosives since 2002, but is still referred even internally by the acronym “ATF.” The agents seem to imply that this is a state department, but more likely the agent is meaning that they are from a Georgian field office, as the ATF is a federal department within the Justice Department.
The title of the story, “Do Idiots Dream of Electric Stupidity,” is an homage to the famous Phillip K. Dick science fiction novel “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?” which was loosely adapted into the film Blade Runner.
Issue Summary written by: Gremlin